Unspoken

A few days ago, I was interviewed by a researcher writing an article about Post Partum Depression.

I have written about my experience on I am Doing the Best I can, and she found the post, and wanted to hear more from me what it felt like to be in the midst of those feelings. As Kismet had it, Meghan wrote a fabulous piece on her blog on almost the same day and Julie wrote a little bit about her fears in talking about her post partum depression.

Talking to the researcher brought back the fogginess of the depression for me. The things I noticed after I had begun to return to life. The thin line I walked for three and a half years. The energy I put into hiding my spiraling depression from everyone, until even that effort crumbled at my feet.

And why no one noticed.

When she asked me why no one had diagnosed me, I had to stop and think. Why hadn't they? My disconnect with my babies cues, her failure to gain weight, my mood swings...why hadn't anyone noticed?

Part of the reason, I suspect is that as an educated woman with her degrees in Education, and her jobs as an Infant and Toddler specialist and Director of a child care, they assumed I knew what I was doing. I presented well. I showed up for every doctor's appointment. I could give you Emily's vitals and statistics. Emily was clean and presentable. I was a married woman with a participating spouse. We had two incomes and excellent child care. 

Some people suspected, I think. My midwife got a glimpse when she observed a six week old Emily rooting on my shoulder, and said "Oh, I think she's hungry", to which I snapped "She just emptied both breasts 20 minutes ago - She's NOT HUNGRY!" My primary Doctor got glimpses when she would see me for my continual parade of infections and suggest that I needed to manage my stress differently. "I'll get right on that", I would respond.

I couldn't talk with the other mothers in child care...I was the Director. I was the Boss. They were Paying me for my expertise and knowledge. Announcing that I hated my child would have been less than good PR for the business I was in charge of running.

I couldn't tell my husband that I was fantasizing about killing my baby, killing him, killing myself. He would take her away and leave me. Then everyone would know that I was a bad person, a bad mother, a bad wife and a fraud as a Professional.

So I told no one, and I sank deeper and deeper into my darkness.

It was August of 2001 that I decided to seek help. I had bargained with myself for almost four years, and it never got better. "A few more weeks, and then if I don't feel better...", I would think. It didn't. I found myself screaming uncontrollably at a frightened Toddler one weekend when Terrance had gone away for business and realized that I was dangerous. A rational voice whispered "You are a danger to her....", as I fled her room and locked myself in the bathroom. Her mother. Dangerous. To all of us.

The researcher asked me what I thought was something that wasn't talked about in PPD. My answer was immediate.

"You want to kill your baby. You actually have vivid thoughts of killing your baby."

For some, it is the butchers block filled with knives, or the balcony of the hotel. I thought of drowning her in the lake, or getting into a car accident that would kill her and seem an accident. Some mothers have told me their thoughts of throwing the baby from a window, or bashing their head on the wall. It is the ugly underbelly of what we mean when we talk about PPD. It isn't "baby blues", or "feeling low". It isn't being weepy or exhausted. Shit, you don't need PPD to feel weepy and exhausted after a baby arrives. That's the NORM.

No, it's the ugly things that the books fail to mention. The killing fantasies. The anger. The resentment. The blue black hatred of this child that you carried and dreamed of and birthed, who is devouring you. No, that is never in any of the pamphlets.

"What", she asked,"is the thing you wish other mothers could know about PPD?"

"You don't have to feel this way. Motherhood is hard enough without feeling so hopeless, so alone."
For me, it was medications and therapy and the patience of my child and husband as I returned to them. It is talking openly about my experience with PPD. It is lending my ear to other mothers, or friends who are approaching motherhood for the first or multiple time. I am, I tell them, the mother to whom you can say the ugly things. I won't be shocked. I won't be horrified. I won't call the bad mother police on you.

I will hold your hand, and we will make a plan. Together.

Comments

[Leslie]

That gave me tears. You described my experience so well. I could never explain to anyone THAT part of it... it was too shameful to me. The general all-around anger yes, the tears yes. How I felt about my child.. never. Thank you, thank you.

[mothergoosemouse]

Those last few sentences have me weeping. My god, if only women weren't so frightened by these seemingly uncontrollable awful thoughts, they could take action to feel better instead of denying that they feel bad.

[Andrea]

Amy Storch of amalah.com wrote a couple months ago about losing her patience with her son and wanting to backhand him. He was 8 months old at the time. She put him in his crib and then isolated herself from him until she was sure it had passed. And she made the comment that this was normal. I would imagine that PPD takes those normal feelings to extremes, with the killing thoughts. And then such things serve to make a new mother feel horrible having entertained such notions to begin with. Enter the guilt. I can see how it's cyclical, knowing the normal feelings don't apply because of those extremes, which only serve to deepen the hopelessness, knowing that getting help means admitting to the extreme thoughts in the first place. Most people with no experience of PPD would recoil in horror.

The beautiful thing is finding someone like you, with the education and the credentials, telling us that you've been there, and that you'll listen, judgment free. Your being so open about such things brings out of shadow the misery that PPD suffering mothers NEED TO KNOW to be able to recognize it in themselves. Not only that, but you are educating those who haven't dealt with PPD about the murkiness that goes on, so that if they do experience it i their futures, they know, and that knowledge becomes the power to get help. Thank you. A hundred times, thank you.

[jen]

sweet, courageous warrior dawn.

your words are a salve. i, too, struggled alone in my anguish. while i don't think it compared to your struggle, i've lost a bit of myself, and still haven't found her.

[Fraulein N]

You are so awesome and brave for putting it all out there like that. Thank you for your honesty.

[Meghan]

The bravery of speaking out about your own experiences and ending the silence is what seems to be the only good answer. That was the reason I chose to share my story, at the risk of being judged by the parenting police. NO ONE WANTS TO BE DEEMED AN UNFIT MOTHER.
Compassion, understanding, removing the stigma and the fear all help. So many women feel so ashamed by their own firghtnening thoughts and emotions that they don't dare share those dark images with ANYONE. Bringing the topic into the light, and revealing that it happens to intelligent, caring, women. It happens to GOOD MOTHERS. And that there are treatment options.
I think I stopped breathing when I read this. This is a raw, honest, and moving piece of writing.

I was shocked by the responses I got from women who had similar experiences, and while I was sorry that I wasn't the only one scared to death by my own mind, it was such a comfort to be understood and accepted by women I admire.

[kim]

Sharing your struggle will help so many. Your courage is inspiring.

[Jenny]

Wow. What an honest and amazing post. Thank you so much for sharing. If there were more women like you sharing your stories perhaps others wouldn't feel so scared to get help.

thank you.

[mamatulip]

I love that you write about this so openly and honestly. For every comment you get on this post, I'll bet there are a hundred women that didn't comment but are glad you posted.

[Tracy]

Thanks for the honesty. As a first-time expecting mom who's dealt with depression before, I really think it helps to hear stories like yours. It might make it a little easier for me to understand if I do find myself in a similar situation and to know when to get help.

[Nancy]

Just as I found meghan's post significant and brave, I am grateful to you as well for posting about your own experiences with PPD. I have started writing my own story and hope to share it on my blog as well when I get a chance to finish it. The more new moms that can read about PPD -- to know they are not alone -- the better we all will be. As will our children.

[kiran]

my mum wants to kill her baby its horrible

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