The Why's Have it

Being a bi-racial household, there are many little cultural differences that we have had to navigate as a family. Just wait until I get my post on hair together...

Take a Liberal Vermont white feminist, raise by hippies to always speak her mind. Marry the Liberal Black son of former Detroit black panthers. A man who was escorted from England for a "riot" he may or may not have participated in during a student demonstration against Apartheid in the 80's.

A match made in heaven. Right?

Most times.

Most of our challenges have been regarding child rearing. Our fundamental upbringings were similar, but vastly different. In my family, children were encouraged to question...everything. In Terrance's? Not so much. In fact, it was highly frowned upon.

This was illuminated two summers ago when Emily went to stay with her grandparents in Detroit for a month.

In many ways, Emily speaks like her peer group. Upper middle class white people. Her speech patterns are those of the Northeast. This cracks her Detroit cousins up. Emily speaks, well - like me. 

One night, a phone call comes from Detroit. It is her grandfather - Dada Clifton. Apparently, an "incident" has occurred and Emily is now in full melt down mode.

It seems Dada Clifton planned to play golf the next morning. This meant that Emily was going to visit her Auntie Laurie to spend the morning there.

Dada Clifton: "Emily, I'm taking you to Laurie's in the morning"
Emily: "Why?"
Dada Clifton: "I'm going to play golf and you are going to Laurie's until I'm done"
Emily: "I don't want to go to Auntie Lauries"
Dada Clifton: "Well, you are."
Emily: "Why can't you bring me golfing with you?"
Dada Clifton: "Cause I'm golfing by myself and you're going to Lauries"
Emily: "But I don't WANT to go to Auntie Lauries. Why CAN'T I go golfing with you?"
Dada Clifton: "Because I said so - and I'm the Granddad"
Emily: "Dada Clifton, that isn't a good enough answer.."

To my knowledge, this was the point when all hell broke loose.

After we had calmed Emily down and sorted it all out via telephone, Terrance and I sat on the couch.

Terrance: "You know, I told you.."
Me: "What?"
Terrance: "It's the white in her. It's going to get her ass beat. No black child would have ever dreamed of speaking back to their grand parent that way."
Me: "I know."

Deep down, I was so proud. I'm in there after all.

Comments

[kim]

Oh, this is not just a black thing. My husband's family is of the never, ever question or disagree with your elders even if you're thirty-five. When I engage in friendly debate they find me disrespectful.

[Jennifer]

Wow. Whites and blacks have such a different child rearing style -- polar opposite, in fact. Whereas white children are allowed and encouraged to question authority, it is deemed disrespectful in the black community. It's unheard of and simply not tolerated. In fact, it wouldn't even occur to black children to talk to their elders that way. It's just not done.

I'm wondering why you would think it's a good thing? Just curious...

[Andrea]

I've forever wondered what differences have popped up in your raising of Emily based on your different backgrounds. Thanks for the snapshot view into something I've been curious about for awhile.

[Dawn]

Jennifer,

I think it is because I, myself, am white. This is a balance that we have to walk all the time in our house - the different cultural wants/needs or teachings of our respective families. In my family - girls who questions are celebrated. In Terrance's, it is - as you noted - not a good thing.

However, we look for ways to give Emily a view of both of her cultures. She has certainly learned over the years that there are things which can happen in one realm that are unacceptable in the other. It is the challenge of raising a bi-racial child.

[owlhaven]

I think it is a good thing that Black families expect respectful behavior from their kids. I have both white and black kids, (I'm white) and I would be disappointed if ANY of them sassed their grandparents.

Of course in that situation my kids could call me to help problem-solve a different solution. But in the end, as a child and a polite guest, I would expect them to go with the flow if it was not a harmful situation and there wasn't a better solution.

Another white momma's opinion....

PS--I'm looking forward to your hair post!

[mothergoosemouse]

Interesting. Not sure it's a black/white difference though. I know my father was often not very receptive to giving thoughtful answers to my "why" questions. We really do try to give answers that make sense, rather than resorting to "because I said so" (although I certainly have done it when I can feel myself reaching the end of my rope).

That said, I don't think Em was being disrespectful. I think she merely wanted to understand why she couldn't go golfing too. I know she's got sass in her, but it just doesn't seem as if that was her intent (based on my reading of the conversation).

[Nancy]

I'm with Mothergoosemouse -- I don't think Emily's intent was disrespect, it was more trying to comprehend.

Do you think it could be a generational thing, too? I believe that it would have been much more difficult for my parents to question their parents in such a way, for example -- and probably even harder in generations before.

[Dawn]

Julie and Nancy-

Em wasn't being disrespectful at all. The connundrum for her is that at Home with Myself and Terrance - and in her schools, she is encouraged to speak up - ask why - question everything. That is the model we have given her.

The problem came when she ran up against a different cultural value with which she had little expereince. That is to say, there are times here when absolutes are true, but we allow negotiation.

I think every family walks this in childrearing in hundreds of different ways. In our family, we see these differences more clearly, as they are often based in cultural value differences.

[madge]

She'll be primed for a career at the UN with her straddle-the-cultures upbringing. Which is good, you know. We could use some sass on our side over there on 1st Avenue.

[Elizabeth]

It must be confusing for Emily to have to switch her mind-set like that and act one way at home and another way at her Grandparents' house. My impression is that you treat Emily like a person rather than as a child, like we do with our kids. A person who is used to being asked their opinion and who is allowed to express their feelings at home must have a hard time toeing the line somewhere else. This should certainly give her some good coping skills.

[Izzy]

I'm always secretly proud when my daughter challenges people to explain themselves.